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Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Hobbit

Hello, dinner

I do wonder who actually like this film series/franchise other than the people who made it (I don't know, maybe not even them). Just watched The Desolation of Smaug and thought, what a lot of bollocks it was. Did I just spend, like, almost three hours watching a bunch of bearded men (dwarfs) looking and acting like a bunch of idiots? But they ARE (!!!) Pray tell, where is the story? It was SO tedious. Basically the movie version of this J.R.R. Tolkien classic is, like, one very, very, very long (and did I say tedious???) tale of this, what, talking dragon that, in the first instalment, goes to sleep; then in the second, wakes up; then ~ and I'm ONLY guessing here, folks ~ in the final, dies. Like, wtf. I'd rather watch paint dry than sitting through this literally very dark tale of nothingness (if I only knew!) If I had the patience, I might read the book, which am sure is more interesting cos I probably have a more vivid imagination than the director. Actually, did I imagine it or the dragon Smaug (sounding terribly regal and English?!) became, like, Disney-fied at some point? Oh look, there is a slight tilt in the mouth corner that suggests it might be, like, smirking (in that wicked and English sort of way)? 

There are, of course, other sub-plots peppered throughout the epic but they kinda got lost and drown in the ... boredom of it all. Gandalf the Grey kinda drifts in and out of the narrative like a warning bell, ringing caution and all the dread to come ~ the same dread that he himself cannot escape as he gets consumed by this ... eye (or is it something, more, err, sinister and even sexual???) The romance is kinda moving ~ and interesting ~ as interracial relationship obviously gets the thumbs up here, even if it's between a messy (but unusually tall?) dwarf and a clean and no doubt gorgeous-smelling she-elf.    

Maybe The Desolation of Smaug suffers from what is known as the middle-child syndrome: the second of a trilogy, the-one-that-precedes-the-final-movie, is always plain and boring because the filmmaker saves the best for the last. (We all remember the Harry Potter movie that precedes the last one, in which Potter and his mates go on this terribly whingy, yawny and long camping trip that it threatens to kill he-who-must-not-be-named before his number is up...) 

At the end of Desolation, Bilbo the protagonist asked ominously: "What have we done?" Yes, I wonder that too; howabout: just wasted three hours of people's life?

Anyway, I hope the last Hobbit movie, There and Back Again, is more interesting and, yeah, kill that bloody gold-proof dragon already. 

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